Dangal – Being A Parent Coach

“We are here to play, not to bully,” called out the soccer club team owner, as he pulled out Maahir from the Somaiya Soccer Championship game, just minutes after the kick-off. Maahir and one of his team mates, made some disparaging statements to an opposition team player, during play. This was the second game for the afternoon. The first game was comprehensively won, 3-0, by Maahir’s team, Soccer Cubs. An hour later, they lost the second, 0-10.

Maahir’s Team – The Soccer Cubs, after winning the first game 3-0

Maahir was amongst the best player in his team. In the winning game, he fired the ball like a bullet, from the mid-field, right into the nets. There was little that the goal keeper could do, as he watched the ball sail over his head. An outstanding goal, orchestrated by the coach instructing from the side lines, superbly executed by the player. This proud moment for the parents was soon to be overshadowed by the act of indiscipline. Maahir had to sit out through the second game, even as his team players requested the team owner to get him back on the field.

That afternoon we played the role of parent-coach, Purvi and I had a serious conversation with our 10 year old. It was good to see him quickly understand what he had done wrong. He realized the price his team had to pay for losing one of their best players. One mistake – and he was out of the team.

Sports can be a great teacher, for those who are willing to learn. Exactly a week later, we re-lived and added to the lessons learned on the field, as we watched the Aamir Khan starrer, Dangal. It was easy for the children to pick on the lessons of discipline and hard work (daily 5 a.m. training regime for Geeta and Babita), giving up on what you like (food cravings), being prepared to do whatever it takes (short hair-cut for the girls, non-vegetarian diet), serious and hard preparations (school girls competing against the big boys), fighting back from failure, perseverance, and more. The hard part was for us, the parents, to realize that there was plenty in it for us to learn as well. Every parent needs to play the role of a parent-coach like Mahavir Singh Phogat for his Geeta and Babita,

It is imperative for parents to share with children the importance of setting goals at an early age – so long as children understand their importance and are willing to work towards their realization. Maahir wrote his first goal when he was 5, and Shourya drew it up when he was 2.

A loving parent will always face the dilemma of being a taskmaster coach. That said, it is absolutely, necessary for the parent-coach to enforce strict discipline while maintaining an extremely nurturing atmosphere for the children. As a coach, always demand the best preparation and the maximum effort. But when your child experiences failure, teach him that it is not the end of the world. If he loses, tell him that he was just outscored on the day. Hold him by his hand, talk to him and prepare him for his next challenge. Personally, I have been fortunate and blessed to have parents who’ve always maintained the balance.

A parent-coach should instill the importance of hard work, and repeated practice, in pursuit of excellence. He has to raise the bar every time they enter into the arena. “You have to apply yourself each day to becoming a little better. By applying yourself to the task of becoming a little better each and every day over a period of time, you will become a lot better,” said the famous basket ball coach, John Wooden. In the game that he was pulled out, Maahir had lost his opportunity to become better that day. It is important to teach children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning

A parent-coach needs to be on the sidelines during the game – to guide, correct, cheer and inspire. It makes a big difference. I recall Maahir telling me after a drawn game that I missed out on, “Papa, if you would had been around, I would have definitely scored a goal and our team would have won.” Likewise, I am happy to have Dad around at the workplace – it has made the difference to my life and career.

And finally, a parent coach should share honest and constructive feedback. As Carlos Dweck writes in her book, Mindset, “Praise should deal, not with the child’s personality attributes, but for their efforts and achievements. Children should be appreciated not for their intelligence and talents, but for the efforts, hard work, practice, persistence, and other growth oriented processes.” Words of encouragement and praise should to be carefully timed and chosen. In the film, the father holds on to golden words “Shabash”, in praise of his daughter until she has won an International Gold Medal.

A parent-coach needs to commit undivided time and attention to the children, because, it’s not about coaching them for a game or a sport, or making them good players. It’s about preparing them for life and making them good human beings.

Life is Race

Another excerpt from my book in writing – Some say,“Life is a race”.

The questions we need to ask ourselves is “Who are we competing with ? What for ? Where is the finishing line ? And when do win ?” Life undoubtedly is the greatest of all games, when played fairly and by the rules. It does not matter who finishes first. What counts in the end is that we’ve played the game splendidly, with honor and respect; we made the difference to the game.

The Ultimate Secrert of The Miracle Man

The story of “The Miracle Man” is one of best examples to explain the power of our thoughts. It teaches us how to create a desired state of being, to build self- confidence.Thoughts just don’t matter – they become matter. The way we think affects our body and our life. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.”

An emerging field of science called psychoneuroimmunology explains the connection between the mind and the body. Our thoughts are responsible for the chemistry of the brain. Whenever we think, we trigger a biochemical reaction in the brain. The brain then releases chemical signals which get passed on to the body. These signals act as the messengers of the thought. Every thought produces a chemical signature that the body recognizes and reacts to. The thoughts that cause the biochemical reaction in the brain make our body feel exactly like the way we were thinking. This in turn determines how we feel. We then react to the feeling and transmit the same message to the brain. The brain responds to our reaction and generates the thoughts that produce the corresponding chemical messengers. We now begin to think the way we are feeling. Simply put, thinking causes feeling and then feelings create thoughts—an unending cycle. This continuous loop eventually produces a state of mind which determines how we behave and act.

When we think of positive, inspiring thoughts, our brain produces matter that is known as neurotransmitters. These chemicals make us feel uplifted and inspired. Scientists have discovered that the neurotransmitters regulate all our emotions. Likewise, when we have self-deprecating thoughts the brain releases chemicals called neuropeptides, to which the body responds in a corresponding way. The moment we think negative, the brain releases chemicals that produce the same feeling. We are short of self confidence and feel incapable of achieving. This feeling in turns leads to more of the same thoughts. Until this chain of thought is broken, the brain and the body shall generate the same biological feedback loop resulting in a state of mind that reinforces the negative state of mind.

Thoughts matter: they make us what we are. Thoughts become matter in our body – and control our state of being. Most importantly, not all thoughts are conscious. Over the years, we have learned to think and respond to situations in a certain way. As we continue to have the same thoughts repeatedly, these conscious thoughts turn into unconscious automated thought processes. They are like computer programs running in the background, controlling our lives, creating patterns of behavior that are almost involuntary. These behavioral patterns turn into habits that become neurologically hardwired in the brain. Conscious thoughts and actions, when repeated often, become unconscious thinking and ways of being.

How then do we guard ourselves against the auto-pilot?

To break this cycle of the unconscious thinking process requires a conscious effort. To do this, we must first consciously identify, through contemplation and self-reflection, the automatic thought programs that run within us. Next, it requires a deliberate effort of observing these thoughts without responding to them. In this way we shall break the chemical responses that are responsible for our habitual behavior, mindset and attitudes. It requires a conscious unlearning of the attitudes and the mindset that we wish to change. Once we have disrupted the automatic programs, we can then re-train our mind the way we want by exercising conscious control over our thoughts

Another example of the ‘The Ultimate Secret’

“Whatever you vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe and enthusiastically act upon, must, inevitably come to pass” – Paul Meyer.

Related Books, References

No Arms, No Legs, No Worries

Thank you Lord
– For your blessings
– For caring parents
– For an understanding life partner
– For loving children
– For the family
– For the teachers
– For supporting friends
– For the sunshine and the rain
– For the gifts on nature
– For a beautiful mind
– For a healthy body
– we can work, play, think, see, feel, listen, talk, walk…

3 Idiots and the Secret of “All Is Well”

Wimbledon final, year 1993, Steffi Graf v/s Jana Novotna. Steffi Graf, one of the greatest women tennis players of all time, was the favourite to win the championship.

At the beginning of the game, very few would have given Jana Novotna an outside chance. But at one set all, with a 1-4 lead, serving at 40-30, Novotna was 5 just points away from winning the Wimbledon. Until that point Graf had won only two of the previous 10 games. An upset was imminent. Graf looked out of sorts. Her opponent’s game on the day was simply too good.

But then, things changed. Serving for a 1-5 lead, Novotna double faulted. At 40-40, she missed a forehand volley. Advantage Graf. The next shot from Novotna went into the net. The score now read as 2-4. Graf served an easy game to make it 3-4. Novotna realised that she had to win the next game. A loss would mean she would have given the mighty Graf an opportunity to come back into the match.

Graf had won the Wimbledon before – she had it in her to win another one. For Novotna, this was her first time. The thought of losing began to creep in. She still had one service game up her sleeve. But she double faulted on the service, not once, not twice, but thrice and let the game slip way. She knew she had surrendered the advantage – the score read 4-4. She became restless, jumping up and down, moving all over the court, visibly agitated with herself. Her body language showed that she had given up.

Novotna lost the next game at love, to make it 5-4, Graf. Now serving to save the match, Novotna choked and Graf added yet another Wimbledon title to her tally. Not because she won, but because Novotna lost. After the match, Graf said, “With the way she was playing and the way I was playing, yes, I’d kind of lost it. I didn’t give up but I didn’t have a very positive feeling”. It’s hard to forget the sight of Novotna at the awards ceremony, resting her head on the shoulders of the Duchess of Kent as she wept and wept and wept. The Duchess, who had met Novotna several times before, said, “Don’t worry Jana. I know you can do it.” It was one of the most emotional award ceremonies in the history of the Wimbledon.

Two years later, French Open, 1995. Third Round. Jana Novotna v/s Chanda Rubin. The favorite this time was Novotna. At one set all, 5-0 lead, she was poised to make it to next round. She didn’t. She couldn’t, and probably because she remembered the Wimbledon loss to Steffi Graf. Deep within, the thought still rankled. She knew she could lose, and she did.

Then again in 1997, Novotna lost the Wimbledon final for the second time. This time her opponent was the 15 year old Martina Hingis.

Think of what happened to Novotna. And now, try to remember the time it happened to you. In private, we’ve all had our share of Novotna experiences – during exams, at an interview or when faced with a new challenge.

It happened to me during a university paper in the fifth semester of chemical engineering. The subject was Heat Transfer. I was relaxed when I browsed the question paper. I started off fairly well – first answering the questions I was confident of. I always liked to answer theory questions first and then the numerical problems. About thirty minutes into the exam, I was deriving a formula for heat transfer through a spherical surface – something which I could have done even if woken up from the middle of sleep. On that day, I faltered. I ended up spending much more time than I could afford on that one question, before finally giving up. It was not long before I realized that I would be struggling to complete the paper in time. The confidence was gone. Suddenly, the paper appeared to be much more difficult. I started to worry about crossing the 40 mark passing.

The thought of not being able to do it or not being good enough has caught us more than once. We console ourselves – “my worst fears have come true”. In reality, we thought that we could fail and we failed.

We often hear the cliché, “be positive, think positive”. It’s always easier said than done. We’re often told how things can change just by thinking positive – we still have to work for it, is what we say to ourselves.

In this article, we shall realise the power of our thoughts. We shall learn to use our thoughts to create a desired state of being, to build self- confidence. Thoughts just don’t matter – they become matter. The way we think affects our body and our life. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.”

An emerging field of science called psychoneuroimmunology explains the connection between the mind and the body. Our thoughts are responsible for the chemistry of the brain. Whenever we think, we trigger a biochemical reaction in the brain. The brain then releases chemical signals which get passed on to the body. These signals act as the messengers of the thought. Every thought produces a chemical signature that the body recognizes and reacts to. The thoughts that cause the biochemical reaction in the brain make our body feel exactly like the way we were thinking. This in turn determines how we feel. We then react to the feeling, we transmit the same message to the brain. The brain responds to our reaction and generates the thoughts that produce the corresponding chemical messengers. We now begin to think the way we are feeling. Simply put, thinking causes feeling and then feelings create thoughts—an unending cycle. This continuous loop eventually produces a state of mind which determines how we behave and act.

When we think of positive, inspiring thoughts, our brain produces matter that is known as neurotransmitters. These chemicals make us feel uplifted and inspired. Scientists have discovered that the neurotransmitters regulate all our emotions. For example, when we think of an experience that is pleasurable – our first date with the girl next door, the brain instantaneously releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine. The dopamine activates the brain and the body in anticipation of an experience and we become excited. We feel ecstatic. During those moments, we forget everything else, we lose the sense of time; we are in a state of ‘bliss’.

Likewise, when we have self-deprecating thoughts the brain releases chemicals called neuropeptides, to which the body responds in a corresponding way. The moment we think about not being good enough, the brain releases chemicals that produce the same feeling. We are short of self confidence and feel incapable of achieving. This feeling in turns leads to more of the same thoughts. Until this chain of thought is broken, the brain and the body shall generate the same biological feedback loop resulting in a state of mind that reinforces the thoughts of not being good enough.

Over the years, we have learned to think and respond to situations in a certain way. As we continue to have the same thoughts repeatedly, these conscious thoughts turn into unconscious automated thought processes. They are like computer programs running in the background, controlling our lives, creating patterns of behavior that are almost involuntary. These behavioral patterns turn into habits that become neurologically hardwired in the brain. Conscious thoughts and actions, when repeated often, become unconscious thinking and ways of being.

Thoughts matter: they make us what we are. Thoughts become matter in our body – and control our state of being. Most importantly, not all thoughts are conscious. Jana Novotna did not want to think about losing – it was an unconscious thought, the automatic computer program in the background that allowed her to entertain the thought of losing. Her state of being thereafter was controlled by an auto-pilot. She was no longer in control, neither was I after making a small mistake. We both gave in after being in a winning position.

How then do we guard ourselves against the auto-pilot? I believe I may have an answer.

The next time when a negative thought crops up, hold it there. Think of what you’ve just read. Replace the negative thought by a positive one – and now you know why. And if that is difficult to do – then just remember what the 3 Idiots had to say – “Jab life ho out of control – bol – All is Well”.

P.S. – Jana Novotna finally won the Wimbledon in 1998, when she beat Nathalie Tauziat in the final. I scored 45 in Heat Transfer.

17^th April, 2010

Thank you, Aamir Khan! – By Aniket Gore

Would like to share a post by my thoughtful friend Aniket (aniket1@vsnl.com).

SPREAD THE WORD PLEASE!!

Hi All,

I share a recent personal experience – I hope all of you will find useful.

After watching the Satyamev Jayate episode related to the medical industry, we were made aware of the difference between sales cost of branded medicines and generics (identical medicines with different brandnames).

I got the direct benefit of this input just a couple of days ago:

My mother was prescribed “Ceftum 500” – Manufacturer Glaxo SmithKline(Generic Name – Cefuroxime Axetil – strength 500 mg).

A strip of 4 tablets costs Rs. 341.50 – i.e. each tablet costs over 85 Rs.

I asked the chemist for a cheaper alternative tablet of Cefuroxime Axetil 500 mg.

I was offered a strip of 10 – called Zefu 500 (identical medicine – Cefuroxime Axetil 500 mg)- for the cost of approx. 205 Rs. – at Rs. 20.50 per tablet.

The manufacturer – FDC is a very reputed pharma company . (The manufacturer of Electral)

Here is a chart that highlights the vast difference in pricing – of different manufacturers:

http://patientindia.com/resultDetails.php?searchC=1&genId=471&brandId=4854, the price structure is dated, GSK have since increased their pricing – but as a representation you can find pricing for an identical drug – from 21 Rs to 80 Rs – available from a wide variety of manufacturers!

Shame on the FDA in India which allows such disparate pricing, and shame on doctors who prescribe such fancily priced medicines blindly (on rare occasions without awareness- but in most cases – with complete knowledge of the vast price gap!). We pay these fancy prices, and doctors are taken to international conferences: wined, dined and bribed – courtesy our generosity.

We are ignorant and as a result being royally fleeced, and what is most damning in this scenario – is that most people really struggle to pay the cost of these fancy priced medicines.

There is a social consequence to this malpractice.

Far too often people may hesitate to approach the chemist – with a fear psychosis – (“the cheapest medicine may not be the best, may be spurious etc.)

But the truth is that there are a plethora of pharma companies – very well reputed – which produce a standard medicine and deliver the goods to you.

Generic chemist shops are flourishing in Rajasthan and saving the common man significant money.

It is important to recognize that Pharma companies which distort pricing – are relying solely on an unholy nexus, and not a genuine quality difference – to sell their product at exorbitant price.

Next time, please do not hesitate to ask your chemist for the generic name – of any brand your doctor prescribes to you, and DEMAND the CHEAPEST alternative.

Please spread this info, to your friends and relatives, and let everyone demand a fair priced generic medicine from their local chemist.

Thank you, Aamir Khan!